If there's one thing that I know how to do, and know how to do well, it's apply black eyeliner...
Here's why:
I was 17
And I fell in love with it
I felt sensual
But oddly enough, I felt veiled
And it carried me
Yes it did
Through years of
Junk food, love notes, cigarettes, and missed homework assignments
I was placated.
My phone rang, and it was him. Weird, why is he even calling me? I didn't answer.
Dear Diary:
Dev broke up with me. I told him I didn't love him, and he said well then fuck off. Since that moment, I have felt the following:
Scared, relieved, anxious, rebellious, and hungry. At first, I felt like dying, or at least I felt as if I WERE dying.
And now, I'm over it – totally over it, and you know what? He knows I'm over it, and is calling non-stop since he has realized it. Here's the thing: I did love him – I did, and in THAT way. Yes, that fluttery, kiss in the cold rain type of love: the type of love that will stop you from eating, and stop you from talking and hanging out with your friends. Now, who's to say if that is healthy, probably not, but being 17 – who really cares, it's a part of life and maturing. Yes. In order to feel, feel at all, you have to go through devastation.
Good night Diary – I will write you later – love, E.
THINK
I'm lying in bed, with my legs to the wall staring at the posters on my ceiling. My candle's burning by the window as tree branches are brushing up against my window pane.
As I lay there, I come to wonder if he's thinking of me. He must be, I am of him, and I'm listening to the mixed-tape he made for me. (My stomach hurts, I should eat something.)
I love mixed tapes, especially titled – you know, a thematic tape filled with songs that each hold a special meaning.
Of course, some mixed tapes are cliché and silly, but the ones Dev would make for me were really inspiring to me, I mean, listening to them makes me want to do something amazing.
Here is a general overview of what Dev's tapes consist of: Napalm Death, Morrissey, Judy Garland, the Pharcyde, Mudhoney, Miles Davis, Sinead O Connor, random quotes from movies like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Othello.
His listening taste is romantically smart, and edgy, and reflect his outter persona - he's sorta short, but taller then me, has messy hair, and a thick beard. He's modest, and is a jeans and ugly tshirt sort of guy. Anyway, his music taste might be a little random, but I dig it because some of the lyrics are words that I need to hear, not only when I'm down, but also when I'm up to keep myself up.
I don't always have time to hang out with people and I'm not one to spread my emotions out onto the floor for people to ignore, and walk over – I'm sort of quiet and keep to myself, I don't have many close friends except for this girl, Val who owns a smoke shop. She's like 35 and knows about relationships, and how much life can suck. She is the only person I feel comfortable around, and has always offered her time and advice to me. I don't see the need in telling other people my problems; after all, all they will do is judge me.
Ok, maybe I'm not over him, but it's too late to do anything about it. I don't think he wants to work things out, I think he just wants to call and make me feel dumb.
BORED
I'm bored, so I climb out of bed, and put on some black eyeliner.
I grab my shoes and go. Too bad I don't have a car, but I guess I don't really need a car since I have no idea where I am going to begin with.
I live in a pretty cool area of town, there's a record shop down the street, a dark, and quiet bistro that serves delicious mushroom soup, an herbalist and smoke shop a few blocks down, and a library right in the heart of it all.
I don't need much else and am fine with not having a license or a car.
Now, I have this horrible habit, I enjoy smoking fresh rolled cigarettes, and happen to really enjoy American Spirit tobacco.
It's a disgusting habit to some, I know, however for me it's a release more than anything else, plus I just really like the flavor.
Since I'm out of tobacco I head straight to the smoke shop.
This is where I met my ex, Dev – he's 19 you know, and very mature – he introduced me to fresh tobacco and well, this shop has so much sentiment to me because Dev is the one person in the world I ever loved in that way. The owners are Val and Robin, two girls who have come to become good friends of mine, especially Val.
When I walk in, Val is the first person I see – she has her boyfriend's little boy sitting down inside of a play pen, watching the Care Bears.
"Hey there" says Val.
"Oh, hello – I see you are watching Max today – how's it going?" I ask.
"Interesting day – I'm surprised to see you around here today" notes Val.
"Interesting? Why's that…is something wrong?" I ask.
"Hmmm, well, not wrong, but you know Dev has been coming by a lot and he actually has been alone and quite depressed. He says he's been trying to call you, but you have been avoiding him like the clap" chuckled Val.
"Yea well, he told me to fuck off and I did. It's what he wanted, and I know he meant it. He was looking for a reason to shut me out – so I gave it to him. I told him I didn't love him, and well who cares, you know?" I motioned.
"Uh, I think HE cares, actually. Can I ask you what happened – why did you stop loving him? One day you guys were at the edge of a cliff staring the world straight in its soul, and the next day you are broken up??? What gives?" asked Val.
"I'm only 17. He's 19; that might not seem like much, but it is when you're still in high school, and your boy friend isn't. I'm fucking tired of my life, and just want to drop out of school and leave. Ugh. He's fucking stupid. I can't believe he's been coming here when he knows that this is MY hangout. Well, it was his first, but you are all I have, you know?
"Yea, I know" says Val - oh by the way, your tobacco is on the bottom shelf she says, as she picks up Max from the playpen, and feeds him a bottle of baby formula.
I like the way baby formula smells. I don't know what it is about It.; it's a powdery, soft baby smell that's a little sour however makes me feel soothed. I love the sound a baby makes when he's drinking and suckling on his bottle. It's the sound of the softest thing ever, like dropping a ton of cotton balls onto a pile of feathers – soft, clean and loving. It's one of the sweetest things to me.
Max pushes the baby bottle out of his mouth and says "mama", he looks directly at me with the saddest eyes in the world, and I walk up to him with a simple winding smile and say "no baby – I'm not your mama".
At the Bistro
I'm so hungry, and the only thing I can picture stomaching is the Bistro's yummy mushroom soup. I walk in, and Danny is sitting there on the sofa strumming his guitar about to fall over and fall asleep. He looks so sweet and quiet. His clothes are messy, and his hair the same, but has the most delicate smile that can catch you and grab you in. Really, it's that nice his smile is.
"Hi Danny" I say.
"Hey cutie – how's it going; want some soup? I had some scallions leftover from a dip I made last night, so added them to the soup, and wow – it's exactly what it needed" said Danny.
"Sure I'll have a cup of soup please" I say.
Danny is only 20 years old, and owns a bistro. He's a cool, laid back guy who I don't really know, but know enough to chill at his bistro and talk about life with.
As Danny gets up to prepare my cup of soup, I look across the room, and see a familiar face. It's him…its Dev walking in.
What do I do? Damn…I'm scared and immediately I lose my appetite.
Fuck – what the hell is he doing here? I stop to take a moment and breathe in deeply; I take out my tobacco and begin rolling a cigarette very quickly.
I step right onto the side porch and light up my cigarette, taking in a large hit.
I hear the bells on the front door cling, and see Dev standing there talking to Danny – I make eye contact with Danny and Dev turns my direction and sees me standing outside and walks over to the door.
As Dev walks outside, he asks for a cigarette, and of course I hand him the tobacco and papers so that he may roll his own.
"How are you" asks Dev.
"Oh you know – I'm good…just been keeping busy, I just came from Val's and got hungry, so I came over here to Danny's place for soup" I said.
"Ah – your favorite spots, huh? I hope you don't mind me intruding, but you know I got hungry and I decided to grab a bite to eat".
As I stand there, in an uncomfortable way – Danny walks out and asks if I want my soup served outside. "Actually will you please keep it warm for me?" Sure he says.
Dev looks at me as if I'm some sort of lost puppy. He says thank you for the cigarette and strikes a match and also takes in a large hit. He places his hands in his pocket and whips his hair out of his face, as the cigarette comfortably lays on the edge of his mouth, not dangling, but cradled. Dev takes his hand out of his pocket, and takes the cigarette out, looks directly at me and says:
"There's nothing more that I want then this moment."
My hands begin to sweat, and I put out my cigarette. My eyes begin to swell, and tears are running down my face. My eyes start to burn a little from my eyeliner. I know that I must look hideous with lines of black eyeliner and mascara running down my face, but instead of wiping it away, I sit there and say "me too".
END
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